


strawberry blonde

by dvinare



Category: NCT (Band), Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Food Sharing, Found Family, M/M, Yearning, chenlix are twitter lesbians, old lesbians cameo for 0.2 seconds, poetry kind of, sort of ambiguous ending, strangers to friends to kind of lovers, the gay experience, writing for rare pairs is a personality trait
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:08:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22619872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dvinare/pseuds/dvinare
Summary: The practice room disappears giving way to a quiet beach, the setting sun casting her rays on Felix's face and Chenle feels himself yearning. In the pits of his stomach hatches a feeling he'd never experienced before. It makes him realize how nothing he had previously desired compares to the burning crave to hold a hand, to press his lips against warm freckled cheeks, to fall asleep in someone else's embrace. His entire life so far had been built on desire to obtain inanimate objects, but now he desperately wishes for something, for someone possessing a pulse, who can return his touch, someone who can desire him back.
Relationships: Lee Felix (Stray Kids)/Zhong Chen Le
Comments: 6
Kudos: 43





	strawberry blonde

**Author's Note:**

> i'd like to formally apologize to lee felix and stays because i don't actually stan stray kids which means this might be terribly out of character. i just think chenle deserves a boyfriend and felix seems like a cool dude judging from the way everyone and their mothers are in love with him, also their interactions were just so fucking cute.
> 
> the song they listen to, in case anyone is interested, is "strawberry blonde" sung by our lord and saviour miss mitski miyawaki. if you don't know her you should re-evaluate your life choices.
> 
> i'd like to say thank you to my datemate kasia who read over this fic and edited it for me because i don't know what a comma is. also shout out to them because they're the one publishing this as i don't have access to my laptop right now.
> 
> i wrote this fic in one go yesterday for myself and for the 3 inhabitants of chenlix nation, hope you enjoy!

Chenle feels sweat roll down his brow. Sitting down for a short break he realizes how much he missed the feeling of his shirt clinging to his body, the slight ache in his calves, his heart drumming hard against his ribs, trying to come out of his heaving chest. Resting his back against the mirror brings a sense of familiarity which Chenle clings to, but looking around the practice room there’s the feeling of breaching new, unexplored territory. It’s the same four walls, dents here and there,darks spots over the old white paint job, the floor looks the same as usual- nicks and scratches from the bottom of shoes hitting it continuously for years now, yet it feels like he’s entering it for the first time. It’s the fact that the space has been ruptured into by strangers is his best guest. Chenle has always had a kind of unusual connection with the room which made him feel like he should defend this territory which in a way belongs to him. It’s the irrational fear that the years spent pouring tears over the open holes in hope of sealing them shut again and weaving memories into every empty surface and piece of furniture would be stolen from him. The thought is laughable, sure, but that doesn’t put a sudden end to his weird sense of ownership, the need to protect what is sacred.

Sinking deep in thoughts robs him out of his senses momentarily, which prevents him from noticing a bright presence itching close to him. Chenle lets out a shriek as he feels something cold pressing against the back of his neck, successfully snapping him out of his daze. He has no time to get embarrassed over the ugly noise he makes because the second he looks up to glare at whoever was pulling his leg his breath hitches. Chenle has just enough self perseverance left to slap a mental hand over his mouth before he can utter something completely idiotic like _“Pretty.”_ It’s not the thought itself that borders stupidity of an enormous size, but rather the fact that he met Felix 2 hours and 43 minutes ago.

Felix smiles at him and Chenle thinks this is what balloons feel like under pressure right before they pop. The boy above him is beautiful, impossibly so, and Chenle should be used to it because he lives with five other objectively and subjectively attractive young men. Apparently not. There is something captivating about his overall presence, which rudely knocks the breath out of Chenle’s lungs as if to remind him he’s not immune to falling. He lets his eyes wander over the expanses of smooth, naked skin, trying and failing to count the freckles, wondering for a second too long what it would feel like to trace the dots with his own hands.

Felix lifts his hand and Chenle finally sees the object which had startled him earlier. A water bottle dripping with condensation is held by a small hand, pointed in his direction. Chenle finally summons enough strength to take what's offered to him, returning the smile and mumbling a quiet _thank you_. Felix doesn't seems bothered by his initial awkwardness and is even kind enough not to comment on the way Chenle was quite obviously staring at his lips some seconds ago. Chenle distracts himself by hastily uncapping the bottle and throwing it back, drinking the water in big gulps. He uses the hem of his worn out t-shirt to wipe the liquid which had spilled and rolled down his chin.

Felix settles down on a safe distance next to him, starting to scroll mindlessly through his phone. Chenle feels like he should say something to break the slightly uncomfortable silence but his mind comes blank, so instead he chances a look at whatever's on the others brightly lit screen. It turns out to be a spotify playlist with an english title Chenle doesn't bother to read, instead scanning through the songs trying to see if there's any he recognizes. Felix fishes out a pair of headphones from his pocket, plugging them in. He looks at Chenle with that same pretty smile and asks him if he wants to share. Chenle doesn't trust his voice so he nods frantically instead which makes Felix giggle breathlessly. Chenle feels something warm in his chest as he takes the bud offered to him, their fingers brushing slightly. He has to restrain himself from doing something irrational like grabbing Felix's hand or brushing his hair to uncover his small ear.

Felix let's the playlist run and Chenle listens diligently. He's unfamiliar with the music but finds himself captivated with the sound- the songs flowing into each other, smooth transitions, vocals deep but carrying a light feeling with them.  
A woman starts singing and Chenle is gone. He can't stop himself from looking at Felix as the music rolls. Inside the practice room, on the dirty floor, sitting against foggy mirrors Chenle feels something bigger and better than himself pierce through his heart. Instead of killing him it drags him to a place unknown. The walls crumble, ceiling molten dripping old white paint- they're alive. It's something so simple that is almost a given yet it takes years to truly comprehend- he's living in this moment, _they're_ living in this moment. The practice room disappears giving way to a quiet beach, the setting sun casting her rays on Felix's face and Chenle feels himself yearning. In the pits of his stomach hatches a feeling he'd never experienced before. It makes him realize how nothing he had previously desired compares to the burning crave to hold a hand, to press his lips against warm freckled cheeks, to fall asleep in someone else's embrace. His entire life so far had been built on desire to obtain inanimate objects, but now he desperately wishes for something, for someone possessing a pulse, who can return his touch, someone who can desire him back.  
The sun sets and they're laying on the even sand, the sound of seagulls and clashing waves drowning everything out, shielding them from the world.

The song much like the day they spend at the seaside comes to a natural end, leaving behind the feeling of lost youth and the same white naked walls of the practice room.

After they finish practice, Chenle’s brain starts to catch up with the situation and he’s suddenly overcome with conflicting emotions, stretched thin between feeling too much and experiencing complete apathy. His legs scream in pain, which he’s long gotten used to, but his mind is trying his hardest to make them move. Run, catch up to him, grab him by the hand, gift him a white carnation. _New love. Please accept me for my shortcomings and allow me to fall for you._  
Just as he’s about to take the first step the door which everyone had exited through earlier swings open, revealing a slightly out of breath boy. Felix must be some sort of deity, Chenle reasons, because no one looks good after running four flights of stairs, with slightly greasy hair and acne marks visible, no makeup to cover them. No one except for one Lee Felix apparently, as he stands in the awful yellow fluorescent lights, which should make him look unsightly but instead reflect on his white teeth, making them shine even brighter and God does he have the corners of his lips glued up in a permanent smile? Chenle wonders if he had forgotten something, instead Felix strides confidently towards him stopping only when they’re face to face, barely a few steps distance inbetween. The air is thick with tension which gets easily lifted with just a few words spoken softly.

“Hey. If you’re not busy right now would you like to hang out.. with me?”  
Chenle decides then and there than he’s hit rock bottom. It’s the slight concern you feel for yourself when you realize you wouldn’t mind dying in a specific moment. This is the moment, Chenle decides, in which he wouldn’t mind breathing his last breath, the memory of a deep voice fresh in his mind, ringing in his ears like church bells. Tinkle once- you’re in love and have died your first death of many, tinkle twice- get resurrected, live a happy life.

It’s always best to play it safe, consider your options, weigh down the pros and cons before making a decision. Somehow this process becomes a part of you over time and you start relying on it even for small matters. It’s a good thing, Chenle supposes, that he missed learning this skill growing up. Instead of overthinking his answer he observes the way Felix is slightly fidgeting, recalls the way his strong voice had died down at the end of the question and comes to a conclusion. Feelings are universal, so logically speaking everyone experiences anxiety at one point or another, it just so happens that him and Felix’s hearts are beating in the same rhythm currently-it’s the push he needs. If Felix dares speak and move and think in spite of his body’s natural reaction to back off in the face of the unknown then Chenle wants to answer with at least half this much bravery.  
He says yes and it feels like answering a silent prayer- relieving.

Chenle realizes exactly when he stopped growing up when they corner the building and stop in front of a bicycle. He feels part insecure when he’s handed a helmet by Felix but mostly excited and overwhelmed. He doesn’t know how to ride one himself, it’s simple as that, and yes, he could muse over the childhood he hardly had but it would be much like crying over spilt milk- futile. Instead he decides to look at things from a positive angle- he’ll get to experience a first with Felix. Even if this first could appear childish and insignificant to a lot of people, it will have a special place in Chenle’s heart always, possibly forever. Fuck the world for robbing him and then laughing when he’s old and finally gets to go live his teenage years.

Chenle has many regrets when it comes to his life as an idol, especially when the feeling of neglecting his duties as a son and friend arise in the quiet hours of the night, but this, this he could never regret. Hands wrapped tightly around Felix’s narrow waist, face buried in his shoulder, breathing in his scent as the wind blows in their direction. It’s not all pretty of course, sitting on the back tire is not exactly comfortable, especially when they go over a bump, but it’s a compromise he’s willing to make if it means inhabiting the same space as Felix, breathing the same air, going in the same direction. For the first time in his life Chenle thinks he has some semblance of control over time and space and it makes him feel high and mighty in a way he’s never experienced before. All the americanized versions of the perfect teenage years? Fuck them, _this_ is what life is all about- holding a boy in your arms, learning to ride a bike, making connections with people who know what it’s like growing up and never actually getting to grow up. It should startle him how much he wishes to become a part of Felix’s life in whatever shape or form but Chenle’s been denied simple indulgences for a period way too long, so instead of taking things slow he accelerates until he crashes into the body of another, hoping they both survive the blow.

Felix rubs little circles in his hand to signalize they’ve arrived. His touch feels like coming into contact with bare wire, both painful enough to have you back away immediately, hoping for minimal damage, and energy-filling to the point where the agony ceases, leaving behind only adrenaline-inducing electricity. And maybe they’re being too touchy-feely for people who met mere hours ago but maybe that doesn’t matter. Nothing holds much importance when you’re eighteen and experiencing the watered down version of first love- crush culture. That, and maybe they’re looking for affection they can’t get from their friends (their chosen family). It’s the touch starvation which occurs somewhere between realizing you might never give your parents what they want most-kids, and acknowledging the fact that a fifth of your life is over and you don’t know what it feels like to press your lips against someone else’s, the fact that you might _never_ get to feel what it’s like.

Felix leads him into a surprisingly charming backstreet cafe where the only people besides themselves are a nice waitress and two elderly women holding hands as they sip piping hot tea. The feeling of not being recognized is surprisingly underwhelming in the best way possible. Ordering food, making small talk- it’s something so insignificant but it manages to feel so wildly monumental in the most quiet of ways. No one will remember the fact that two teen idols went to some unknown secluded cafe, yet Chenle wants them to. 20, 30 years from now he’ll open a history book and they’ll be on the front page-their younger,foolish selves, their younger, confused selves. On the side of the page there’ll be a message written in Chenle’s wobbly cursive:  
_And on this day I met a boy, barely a man, not knowing this would be the beginning_  
_and the end for I have never desired someone with this much intensity before and_  
_probably never will again._  
_Dearly beloved, as you held my hand i wondered but one thing(...)_  
_(…) is it so wrong of me to nurture this newborn love and hope it survives through_  
_the trials of this tender, messed up world?_  
_I will never apologize again if you would just lay your head on my chest._

Someone in the back of Chenle’s head is screaming at him, demanding him to stop feeling what he’s feeling. It’s a collective voice belonging to no one and everyone at the same time, it’s insecurities spoon fed to him since he was born and it’s self hatred forcefully injected in him through the main artery- _no one will ever love you._ Feeling blind rage bordering murderous intent bubble up inside Chenle puts the pesky, annoying voice in a choke hold, until it dies down completely. Then.. he allows himself to look Felix directly in the eye probably for the first time this night. He looks like any other boy their age, yet compares to no mortal and how could he? Aphrodite weeps before his beauty, nature welcomes him as kin, suddenly converting to a religion doesn’t seem all that bad.  
Felix is intelligent, picks his words carefully, reveals enough of the person behind the face to keep Chenle wanting. Wanting to dig deeper, unravel every little secret and become a second host for the spirit of the man who’s looking at him sweetly, no ulterior motives behind the pretty smile. Chenle want to believe him, wants to cling to the words coming out of his chapped lips, wants to build a bridge across to them, walk the distance,seal it with a kiss.

Felix offers him some of his fruit cake. Chenle let’s him feed him the last whole cherry without questioning the small hand which lingers a beat too long. He notices the older women looking at them with knowing eyes and feels his cheeks colour light pink, painfully visible on the naked skin. Felix is either a gentlemen, because he has yet to comment on any of the mildly embarrassing instances and the awkward gaps in their conversation which Chenle fails to fill, or he’s much too oblivious to the way Chenle is looking at him like he single handedly hung the moon and the stars in the vast sky. Chenle doesn’t dare consider the third option.  
Reality crashes onto them pretty fast, without much grace at all in the form of text messages from their managers telling them their time is up. They both saw it from a mile away, there was no way around it and still for a second they got to sample the way freedom tastes. It’s dark chocolate- biting in big expecting disgusting sweetness, being met with a bitter surprise. And yet there exists a loophole, the few seconds it takes the unpleasant taste to settle on their tongues where they’re able to live in utter oblivion to anything not related directly to them and the fact that they’re together.

Felix pays the bill or maybe Chenle shoves his card at the waitress before the other could fish out his wallet, he can’t quite recall. What he remembers is the clothed sides he clings to as Felix bikes them back.The trip is always shorter on the way home, Chenle notes with a heavy chest. They exchange numbers in front of the tall building. Under the moon as Chenle squeezes the seat of the bike with one hand, his phone with the other, he feels something impending. It’s much like the heat dying down at the end of summer, it’s realizing that something has come a full cycle and is finally done and over with. Chenle doesn’t want it to end quite yet, doesn’t want to let go of the warmth which has started expanding in his chest, no, he selfishly wants to clutch it tightly, become one with it.

A car drives past them, someone’s phone starts ringing and in the midst of it Felix leans closer, doing so slowly as a way to show Chenle he can back down any second. When he doesn’t push him away, Felix lands a small kiss at the very corner of his mouth, smiling softly against the skin. Chenle feels his eyelids flutter shut and exhales noisily, hands coming up to fist into Felix’s shirt. They part. It’s a pinky promise sealed with a kiss, whoever breaks it has to swallow a thousand needles. Chenle is not keen on the taste of metal and thankfully Felix doesn’t look like he is either.

**Author's Note:**

> if you reached the end thank you so much for reading this. if you enjoyed it please leave a kudo or a comment :)  
> follow me on social media:  
> twitter- [@jenoarmpit](https://twitter.com/jenoarmpit)  
> instagram- [@mlmkillua](https://www.instagram.com/mlmkillua/)


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